Dear Diary Day#3,
7:39am. I am awake and not all together willing to do this project. I am embarrassed at my level of emotionality. I remember being motivated for the last Middletown Series and I felt pleased that people would know of my families struggles with alcoholism and addiction as a way to increase awareness of the magnitude of the problem. I really thought that I was saving my son’s life at that time by sending him to treatment programs even if I had to work harder to pay for it. I was willing to do whatever it took. I thought that by telling my story it could help someone else in some way. I now understand that the widespread worldwide issue of addiction is linked to worldwide political corruption. It is criminal and tied to everything from the pharmaceutical industry to funding for medical university and military. I had hoped that I was breaking a pattern somehow just within my family and within the community. It seems that it has only made a wider gap in my family communications and I feel misunderstood.
The enormity of the problems seem insurmountable. People are apathetic and most simply want to be happy and get on with life. I understand. Me too. Now, I am feeling privileged and guilty for taking so much time with feelings. My son died. He was young and beautiful and talented and full of heart and soul. I am really not someone who attends meetings and gets involved in community projects. Mostly, I use the excuse that I am too busy taking care of my family and the myriad of personal projects of my own. While this is true in part. Internally I have to admit that I have little faith in activism. I feel like I am tooting my own horn. Diseases of addiction so permeate the human condition that we might as well be talking about the need for clean water in the Sudan as seeking a solution to the Opioid Epidemic or comparing the use of prescriptions for ADHD to the abuse of Meth or Cocaine. It is only the seemingly sane and socially concerned who want to discuss these issues. It is only the privileged who can find the time. Or someone who is grieving loss of a loved one. People who cannot find the drugs and alcohol that their bodies crave do not look for clean water and they eat whatever they are given because they just don’t care and they just don’t have time to be choosy. They are in a constant state of detox and a constant state of mania to find the next substance that brings a feeling of normalcy.
I am pretty angry and discouraged and, I am not suppose to be this way. I am privileged. I am self-employed. I have a water purifier and enough land to grow what I imagine is an organic garden. I am a Massage Therapist and a Yoga Teacher. I want to help people to free themselves from some of the pain and suffering that permeated the human condition and, I think that I do. I am privileged.
Today, I am tired. I’m sick and tired.
I had two bouts with Upper Respiratory infection. I have been consuming enough coffee and sugar to move a mountain and now my joints ache. I am angry. I am not doing what I believe that I need to do to take care of my own health because, I feel that I failed in keeping my family healthy. Of course everyone wants to enlighten me about the fact that this is a dysfunctional perspective and I really must not do this to myself because, after all I am a good person. So… I just stop talking. Now, I just talk about what needs to be done in the way of basic chores and there are many if you are one of the privileged.
Now, I am crying again and I have to feed the dog which I probably should not have gotten and get ready to teach yoga and do bodywork. I have to stop crying.
It’s 8:25.
10:32 am. I feel better after yoga.10am. Was a no show. So, I took care of the dog, put in a load of laundry and made myself breakfast. I’m eating a two egg frittata with spinach and onion, whole grain toast spread with ghee and a pear. I really am privileged.
My friend H. said that she is growing tomatoes and peppers which she can share. My garden is getting smaller but, there are a few things that seem urgent about it on this beautiful spring day. I have a client at 11:00am. And 12 noon.
I just found someone to take care of L. the Puppy that I got because I thought that I needed to learn something about loving animals. I am going to be away for five days to a Restorative yoga Retreat. My husband J. will be at work during the weekdays. I am feeling like maybe I should do better at planning the next time.
1:00pm. Gas Leak at the meter. One of my clients pointed it out. I wonder how long it has been that way. The repairman was prompt and friendly.
1;30pm. I have actually been in pain. My neck and shoulders and arms have been bothering me. It’s hard to know what comes first. The bad attitude or the muscle tension from over work. I am getting a thirty minute massage session. I pay her for an hour because i was thirty minutes late. She told me that there is an Asian Mafia ring running Massage Parlors and Sex Trafficking in Muncie. I had no idea. I would like to go back into my bubble please.
I2:30pm. I stop at G&M Pt and Garden Center and buy Basil and Rosemary plants and a few bags of dirt for a raise bed. I go home and let L. out after feeding her.
3:00pm. Private Yoga Session My student is angry because someone elses time was deemed more important than hers at work. Iam glad that it wasn’t me this time and we have a restorative session. She leaves feeling better and so do I.
She says that she still prays for me and I feel grateful for the friendship. 4:00pm. Yoga Class Only three people show up. We have a good Asana Study.
5:15pm. J. is home. We are moving the electric fence to keep L. out of the garden. My husband is tired from his work at the hospital. Everyone there seems to be overworked just like at Ball State. We work together in the garden for awhile.
6:00pm. I go meditate with the ™ group. I skip the group meal to be with my husband tonight.
7:00pm. Thai Food and date night without grandchildren who are with us 75% of the time now that they have lost their Daddy.
9:00pm. We pack for the weekend and look forward to getting out of town for a couple of days.
I know this is good for me. Thank-you for the opportunity to be a part of this
group. It is therapeutic for me. Blessings one and all.