April 27, 2018: Friday
Diary entry #3
235 am (MST): Got up to turn down the heat. Apparently 75 is to too hot to sleep in. Who knew?!
6 (MST): Alarm. The nice thing about traveling west for conferences is that early morning wake up calls are actually sleeping in. I still snooze for a bit. Might as well.
615 (MST): Fine. I’ll get up. I check my email. A sent me an ultrasound picture (thank goodness it’s not one of those super creepy 3D pictures! Ugh! Those totally give me the willies). I’m excited for A&B, but I have mixed feelings about it too. I’d never tell them, but 5 kids seems excessive. It’s totally not my place to judge them, and I hate it when people judge me for NOT having kids … but it’s still a lot. The next time B asks me when I’m having kids, I’ll just tell him I have to balance out the population gains from his family. Ha!
– I’m also sad to see this picture, because it makes me think of the last ultrasound picture I saw – M&J. She was so excited – I was so excited. If I’m grieving that loss, I can’t imagine what they’re going through. I think this is the first time that I’ve named my feelings as grieving though. That’s totally what it is. I’m grieving for my best friend and for the life and future they would have had, but I’m grieving for myself to an extent to – for the loss of a godchild, for the loss of a future I would have had with this child in it. My pain is so small compared to theirs, but it’s still there … goddamn these are heavy thoughts for 6 am. I need to get out of bed.
615-645 (MST): Get ready for my run with L. I’m weirdly nervous about it! Ha! I guess this is really the first time we’ve wandered into the “friend” realm, and that feels weird. It shouldn’t – I’m definitely friends with A, so being friends with L is only normal I guess. It’s just weird going from the advisor/advisee relationship to friends and colleagues. I keep experiencing this strange moments, though. The first time I called JS by her first name, or DL just D. And there’s a definite difference in the way that they all treat me too – as a colleague rather than a student. Just seeing them in the halls of the conference, there’s a palpable difference in that meeting now. SM hugged me when I saw him yesterday. It’s a good feeling – all these people I’ve admired for so long, and now we’re not only on a first name basis, but we do shit like go for runs and get drinks … L texts; he’s in the lobby. Damn. I didn’t think about where I should put my key while I run!! Whoever invents women’s clothing without pockets should be shot. Ack!! That’s a horrible thing to say … they should be punched in the face at the very least. I head downstairs. I really hope I don’t make a fool of myself.
645-8 (MST): MP was chatting with L when I got to the lobby. I never know what to do when he’s around. He’s an ass, clearly, and I know what J has accused him of (and I totally believe her), but I don’t know how to respond to him when I see him. Do I ignore him? Do I give him the cold shoulder? My default is to treat him with a wary professionalism, and to NEVER find myself alone with him. I guess that’s the best way to handle it … ugh. I hate that it’s something that even has to be in my mind. Why do some people suck so much?!
– Run. Run. Run.
– I don’t know why I was so worried! It was great!! We talked about lots – work stuff, life stuff, running stuff. It wasn’t awkward; it was fun. The altitude was a bit much – this is the first time I’ve spent any time in Denver, and it’s definitely an adjustment! Good run though – 6 miles, 10:30 pace.
– As expected, taking the key out of my bra (where it eventually ended up, since – you know – no bloody pockets) was awkward. The elevated needs a key to go to the guest room floors … I will forever be the weird key-bra lady to some unsuspecting family in the elevator …
– There was an email from K waiting for me; it had a picture of Sir Walter. Damn I miss that mug. I can’t wait to get home to snuggle him for hours!!
8-9: Shower, ready, pack. I wanted to get breakfast, but the airport is so far away I need to just get going. I’ll get breakfast at the airport.
930-1015: Drive to the airport. We dropped someone else off before heading over. I’m so freaking hungry! I asked the cabbie about the different colors of CO license plates – I’ve never understood what they correspond to. I got a tirade about the corruption of the Denver city politicians, the plight of the teachers and school funding, and anger about “the weed” being legalized. I still don’t know what the colors correspond to.
– Oh man, I miss the mountains! They are beautiful! It’s hard not living in the west anymore, for a lot of reasons. It’s hard not being near family, or the ocean, or the mountains, or the forest …
– The cabbie does not ski, because he doesn’t want to break a leg. I hear ya my friend. I hear ya!
– There are … groundhogs, maybe, all along the entrance to the airport. Hehehehe – they’re so cute – they have funny little butts when they run. There’s also a herd of antelope maybe? Deer? They’re pretty far off, so I can’t tell for sure.
1015-1045: I’m usually pretty good about the idiots at the airport … okay, that’s not fair – I’m pretty good dealing with the people who clearly don’t fly very often. I’m friendly and helpful! Not today, man. Today I’m hungry and grouchy. It’s not the complicated people! Get in line. Get in another line. Don’t pet the damn drug dog. Get all the shit out of your pockets before you go through the damn scanner! RAGE
1045-1130: BREAKFAST!!!! Delicious, glorious breakfast! I don’t even care that my tacos were a little cold, or that my blood orange mimosa was $9. I can legit feel my irritation melting away, and I’m a nice person again!!
– K sent another picture of SW; he’s sleeping in the sunshine outside her house.
– Nothing like catching up on email while you eat breakfast. Just what I needed – more meetings this week! I’m looking forward to them and the projects they represent, of course, but actually taking the time to do them is a pain.
– I chat with M a little bit; he has a student coming in to see him soon, so it’s a quick chat. He had to play the pieces that the composition students wrote for their finals – post-tonal. Poor guy. Ha! At least no one could tell if he played them wrong.
– I got to pet a dog!! She was a younger golden retriever named Lucy. Apparently they started an airport therapy dog program a while ago, so you actually get to pet these babies!! That makes me so happy! Oh man, I can’t wait to see home to see SW.
1145: Loading. I’m on Southwest, which I don’t usually take, and I loaded WAAAAY at the end, so I’m in a middle seat. I usually don’t chat with the people in my row, but I think I’m making up for being grumpy to people earlier, so we all chat for awhile. They’re all nice. The army-reservist is heading back home to DC, and a mom and her kiddo (20 months) is looking out the window. The little person is just learning to talk, and was very interested in trucks outside: “TRUCK, TRUCK, TRUCK,” she yelled. Of course, it sounded like “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!” LOL!!! We got a pretty good laugh out of that.
1220: We finally take off. That moment between just lifting off and starting to level out is the worst. I’m always convinced that the plane isn’t going fast enough to actually make it into the air, and I have a few minutes of “what the fuck are we all doing on this thing?!!!” My heart is in my throat, I feel kind sick, and I’m totally sure we’re never going to make it to our destination. Do the people I love know that I love them? Will someone take care of SW? Will M ever remarry? Will he be happier with them than he was with me? And then we start to level off … and I’m fine. It’s not as bad as it used to be; I used to get full on panic attacks the entire time I would fly. Thank GOD that is over; now I just have an extensional crisis for 5 minutes and I’m better until we land.
– The little one is playing with stickers next to me. We bonded over pretzels earlier. We’re tight.
– And here comes my beer … priorities, my dear researchers.
2 (MST) / 4 (EST): Somewhere in the sky, where time doesn’t exist like it does on the earth … I just finished the third installment of a RadioLab program on cross the US/Mexico border. It was a great problem, but incredibly depressing, as you might expect. This kind of thing is always so hard for me – it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough, you know. I do research on immigration and blah, blah, blah, but am I actually doing anything? Anything that matters?! I have to keep myself from going into a despair spiral with this train of thought, the “what the hell am I actually doing to make the world a better place” train. It does no body any good.
– After finishing the podcast, and doing a little bit of drawing on my ipad, I listened to my favorite Les Mis songs, because apparently I’m bound and determined to be depressed today. WTF?!
– On a happier note, when the little person says “shut,” which she does regularly, it sounds like “shit.” She’s got quite a mouth on her! Ha!
– Okay, time for some work. Ironically, on immigration and assimilation.
445 (EST): Landed. I hate landing, and it seems to take SO long in Indy – longer than any other airport. It’s not the same way I hate taking off – it just always makes me feel sick.
– The army-reservist is going onto Baltimore, but the woman and her little person are getting off in Indy. She went to school at Butler, apparently, and they are in town visiting friends.
– I pick up some Qdoba before I leave the airport.
515-650 (EST): Drive, drive, drive. Traffic is terrible. Rush hour, so I guess it would be, but it still irritates me to no end. It doesn’t help that there isn’t anything on the radio to listen to. Crappy pop music. No thanks. Teeny-boppers either being way too damn happy or singing about life like they know what it is. Wow. I’m old. And grouchy. The other option: news. That’s usually what I go for, but it all seems particularly depressing as I creep along I-70 with all the other suckers …
– Eat Qdoba. I hate eating in the car, but I was also in a hurry to get home. C’est la vie.
650 (EST): PICK UP MY PUPPY!!!! Yay!! I missed him so much! I’m trying really hard to be attentive to K while she’s talking, but her words are kind of washing over me. I just want to go home. I’m exhausted. I’m hungry. I want to snuggle my pups and watch bad TV. It makes me feel like a bad friend, so I stay much longer than I wanted to.
8 (EST): I’m finally home. Haul all of my stuff and SW’s stuff to the house. Drop it all in the living room – the joys of living alone. I’m too tired to go out and get food, so I just heat up a frozen burrito. Take SW out while the burrito is heating. It’s way colder out than it should be at the end of April. That irritates me, because apparently life itself irritates me today. I decide to make hot chocolate later too. Mmmmm …
830 (EST): Eat. Watch Fear The Walking Dead. Snuggle SW. Aimlessly look at stuff on my phone. Turn my brain off.
9 (EST): 2 ½ seasons in, and I’ve decided I hate this show. I really wanted to like it. I love Walking Dead, so I thought I would, but I don’t. I wish I would figure these things out earlier – before I invest so many hours of my life to them. It’s hot chocolate time. I do my best to squirm my way from under SW without waking him up. He wakes up. I wrap the blankets around him and he goes back to sleep. I heat up the milk, and I pat myself on the back, again, for buying all the hot chocolate mix from the co-op. Man, this stuff is good.
915 (EST): … … I’m too tired to find a different show to watch right now, but I’m not ready for bed … FTWD it is. Stop judging me. I mostly just click through renovation ideas on Pinterest, look at dog pictures on Instagram, and roll my eyes at political rants on Facebook.
945 (EST): M calls. We chat for awhile. I miss him. It makes me sad. It’d be nice to have someone to come home to at the end of a long conference week.
10 (EST): I decide not to finish the episode after M and I are done talking. I need to go to bed anyway. I have a big running day tomorrow, and I’m a bit nervous about it. I take out SW again. Give him his new heart meds. Get ready for bed: brush my teeth, wash my face, wander around the house a bit like there’s something else I’m supposed to do before bed … I put a coat away … straighten the blanket and pillows on the couch … just go to bed!! I actively decide not to turn down the heat because it’s cold and I’m grouchy.
1020 (EST): Finally heading to bed – pick up SW and put him in his little bed by my pillow. He’s been following me for 20 minutes trying to get me to put him in bed, so he’s out immediately. I check my email and facebook one more time and turn off the light.
1045 (EST): I forgot my retainer, so I have to get up to get it. I don’t remember falling asleep when I get back, so it must have happened quickly!