730: Nope, not getting up yet! M had to get up early, so we can’t have our typical coffee in bed this morning anyway, and I definitely want to sleep more … so …
800: nope, not yet
839: Fine, but I’m going to be grumpy about it for awhile.
Bathroom, brush teeth, take boys out, feed all the fur babies, make bed, turn plant lights on. Typical morning, until coffee. Usually M and I sit in bed and have our first cup of coffee – a routine the boys have gotten used to and expect – so they were very confused this morning when I decided to just get ready. Poor things. They’ll survive. I don’t want to just jump straight into it though, so I take a couple of moments at the kitchen sink to sip my first couple of sips, savoring the sweetness of espresso that gradually melts into a slight bitter tang at the back of my tongue. A perfect way to start what’s bound to be another emotional day.
9-945: Get ready, by which I mean, put on makeup and do something with my hair – not as hard now that its ultra short. I’m listening to the second book in the Expanse Series, Caliban’s War. I used to listen to the radio – NPR talk news – when I was getting ready, but I stopped doing that during COVID and haven’t started again. Usually listening to a book is more enjoyable – not always, of course, I do listen to some really emotionally difficult books – and this series is definitely a good one. Honestly, I didn’t think I liked Space Opera before I read/listened to this one – when it’s all politics and no character development (i.e. DUNE and most things by Ursula K. LeGuin) I can’t stand it; turns out I like them when I give a damn about the characters.
945-1015: Walk the boys. I had to just stand around and wait for a few minutes to let J and Stanley pass – Stanley is C’s best frienemy, and he goes NUTS when we pass him. A very uneventful walk.
1015-1045: Breakfast. Oatmeal with dried apricots, bananas, powdered peanut butter, and maple syrup. Easy and quick and delicious. I have a really busy day today and may not have time for lunch, so I really should have gone whole-hog with breakfast. My usual is a sweet potato/broccoli hash – seriously good stuff, and it sticks with me for HOURS – but I opted to sleep in today and don’t have time. So, quick it is!
11-1245: Meeting with S, my postdoc, at Caffienery about the research project. I’m still adjusting to having a postdoc with this project – delegating research that I would normally be doing myself. On the one hand it’s nice to not be in the field constantly, but on the other sometimes I feel really far away from the work and that I’m not contributing at all. Today was different though – he was struggling with recruitment and some elements of the research. We were able to talk through those things, and I had pointers and insight that I think will be helpful to him going forward. I felt like I was actually contributing to the project. I mean, I KNOW I am, but not in the direct way that I would normally be. With both a postdoc and a grad student, most of what I’m doing is project management rather than direct project engagement. And it’s REALLY complicated and time consuming to make sure that everyone on the project team is making valuable contributions and has something to do and is working as much as they’re supposed to while also no burning out, and then ALSO keeping up on the data coming in as much as possible. It’s way more complicated that I anticipated – I really thought I would be more involved in this qualitative data collection, maybe even doing interviews myself, but I simply don’t have the time. Between this project with all it’s moving pieces, a project with a state organization that just finished data collection, a book proposal being compiled, contracting with an outside agency doing poverty work, and writing a book chapter, there’s just no way that I have time to be in the field like I would like to be. When I sit down and look at it like that, I know it’s true, but I still get down on myself about it sometimes. Not surprising – that’s my MO. Ha!
1245-115: WE HAVE SURVEYS!!! We sent the surveys out about 1.5 weeks ago, and we finally got some returned! Not a lot – a couple dozen – but it’s something!! This is definitely the hard part – waiting for the surveys to be returned. Everyone keeps asking me what kind of response rate I’m hoping for, and my goal is like 60%, which I know is crazy ambitious, but it’s the truth. But what happens if we only get like 10%? Or less. What if the surveys I got back today are the only ones we get back? That’s entire part of the project, and ALL THE MONEY that has gone into it, is a total bust. Ugh. It’s amazing how quickly I can go from feeling like I know that I’m doing to feeling like I don’t have a fucking clue! Please universe – send me more surveys!!
115-2: One of my favorite things on Fridays is talking to my best friend for about an hour. Honestly, it’s practically the only time we talk. She’s the director of a policy center back home and also crazy busy doing incredibly things, so neither of us end up with a lot of time to talk, but these Friday chats are great! We usually end up talking about work – the struggles we’re facing or the good things happening. Honestly, it’s really relieving to talk to someone about it all without feeling like I have to keep the pretense of having my shit together. It’s helpful that we’re both in the policy field too, because we have a similar frame of reference. I always feel pretty invigorated after we chat. I miss her though, I wish we lived closer.
2-230: Meeting with the Office of Inclusive Excellence. There is some bullshit gender stuff going on at the university that needs to be addressed. It’s bothered me since I got here, but I finally decided to stop just stewing in my irritation and say something about it to someone who can, hopefully, make some changes. First: I get mail addressed to Dr. and Dr. [Husband’s first name] [Husband’s last name]. What the actual fuck? And it’s not even our legal last name, it’s HIS part of our legal last name! This has been going on for YEARS! Despite the fact that I started working at Ball State well before he did, so if they should default to anyone it should be me. It’s clearly an incredibly outdated gender convention, and it’s shocking that it’s still happening today! Seriously. What. The. Fuck. Second: Our legal last name is hyphenated, but my academic name is only my last name and M’s is only his last name, but the university won’t let us use the names we publish or perform under, so everything includes both our names, which is confusing to people, AND you can’t even search for M in the email system using his last name – you have to know to use my last time to find him. It’s insane and, again, incredibly outdated. Anyway, the person I spoke to at the Office was very understanding and interested and is going to start working on it soon. Hopefully something comes from it.
230-3: Walk boys. Make a PB&J. There are only heals left from the loaf of break. PB&J with heals. Great. Very adult lunch. At least I’m eating though, even if it is in the truck on my way to the next thing.
3-6: … How do I even describe the last 3 hours or my emotions? First, you have to know that Muncie is a relocation site for Afghan refugees. I’m working with the organization (Muncie Afghan Refugee Resettlement Committee – MARRC) that is helping to make this happen and to prepare for the refugees to land here. It’s a major undertaking. The folks we’re getting are literally coming to us with nothing but the clothes on their backs. They’ve endured the incredible trauma of war, escaping their countries often without members of their family who are still in danger, months in a camp with thousands of other refugees, and then sent to a community where – in most cases – they know literally no one and, oh yeah, might not speak the language. We have to get everything ready for them, a place to live, furniture, toothpaste. I’m on the committee that is getting “essentials” to them, which is basically everything other than furniture that you need in a house, from sheets and blankets, to cleaning supplies, to cups and dishes, and deodorant and shampoo. We’re fundraising and accepting donations now, but it’s a moving target all the time. On Wednesday we got word that we would be welcoming a new neighbor on Thursday, less than 24 hours later. This was also while we were getting ready to move our first refugee (E) into his new home. So … today … I helped the furniture committee move all the furniture E needed into his new apartment, and I dropped the rest of the essential items at his house. He speaks English, and I’ve gotten to know him a little bit over the last couple of days he’s been here, so I took him with me to the new refugee’s (M) apartment to drop off the rest of his essential needs as well. M speaks not a word of English, but luckily E does and could be a translator for me. E and M are very different. Not only does E speak English, but he also dresses very American. Today he was just wearing a tshirt and jeans. M was wearing his traditional dress and still had his refugee identification around his neck. E is very easy going and laughs a lot. M was clearly terrified. It absolutely broke my heart. I wanted so badly to comfort him, but there was nothing I could do or say, other than to bring him the things he needs and tell him, through E, that I hope he finds peace and safety here. And then we left. And he was alone again, in a country he doesn’t know, surrounded by people he can’t communicate with, waiting for a family still in danger. And there was nothing else I could do …
On the way back to E’s apartment, I stopped by Sea Salt and Cinnamon to get everyone cupcakes for helping today. We were at his apartment for a little while, getting things unpacked, and then I took him to the grocery store because he didn’t have anything to eat! He’d been to the grocery store before, but I could tell it was still overwhelming to him and not what he was used to. He loves apples – had them for the first time when he got here – and he picked a random assortment of vegetables, and then basically said “yes” to everything I suggested. He did want to find honey and jam for breakfast, so we got that and some bread. Some coffee and tea, milk, apple juice, nuts, and dried fruit. He’s supposed to be getting more tomorrow, so it was just enough to hold him over for tonight and tomorrow morning. He hadn’t ever used a self-check out before, so I showed him how to do that. Then we took it all back to his apartment and I left. I gave him my phone number and invited him to have breakfast with my friends and to watch the parade tomorrow for Homecoming, which I think he’s going to do, but in the end I still had to just leave. It wasn’t as hard as with M, but still hard. He’s still there alone. It’s his first night alone since he got out of Kabul. It’s kind of a big deal. His family is actively in hiding and trying to figure out how to escape. I just can’t imagine how that feels. Leaving everything, including your family, because if you don’t you’ll be killed for the work you did. How do you even make a decision like that?! It’s incredible. It’s heartbreaking.
As a side note: I tried to explain what a parade is for the first time in my life today, and it’s HARD. I’d never thought about it before, but it’s really really weird when you actually try to describe it. In the end, I told him that people dress their cars and trailers up in costumes and drive down the street in a line and throw candy at people, because … that’s basically what we do. Ha! How is this a thing in every American town in the country?! It’s so weird!!!
630-730: I got home in enough time to pick up B to go to the vet. He’s been itching like crazy and needs some allergy meds. I actually got to go into the office with him this time! It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve been able to do that! And he lost 1.5 pounds! Yay!! We’ve been working on that!
730-930: finally got to rest. I’m worn out. It’s been an emotional day and I pretty much just sat on the couch and drank a fake beer. M made sautéed some green beans and we had left overs and watched the Great British Bake-off, which I love, and then we watched an episode of Voyager, which I also love, so – yay!
Now it’s 1030; I’ve been writing this for the last hour, and I need to do my Spanish lessons before bed (I’m studying on Duolingo, and I have a 133 day streak so far! I can’t loose it today!). I desperately wish that this weekend was obligation free and I could just relax, but it’s not. Not only do I need to make up my work hours from today and yesterday, but I have some social obligations to attend to. All I really want to do is stay in bed, reading and napping. All day. All weekend. That sounds like bliss. But, life continues to call …