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Diarist A23 Day 22

May 12, 2023 

An update – Since the January 1 entry, my husband and I have separated. He is now living with a good friend of his in another state. Our friend, who was staying with us through her own difficult time, is now my official roommate, her room is now what was formerly Hubby’s man-cave. That is a long story, but basically, it was a long time coming, I just didn’t want to admit it. He needs to work on himself – I had/have PTSD from his negativity here for the past several years. He says that he is much happier, less depressed, now that he is out of Muncie and Indiana – this place is far too conservative, Christian, white, and generally oppressive for him. It was making him miserable, and he (again, long story short) was taking it out on me. He is much happier now, living in a very blue city that is roughly 10 times the size of Muncie. He called me about a month after moving – in telling me about his new living situation in a much more diverse area, he anecdotally described how he passes by a Pakistani restaurant on his way to work each day. And there are Pride flags out on many front porches – “and I don’t even live in the gay neighborhood!” I have no idea what is in store for the two of us, but it will take some time. People around me say I am much happier, less quiet, more animated and present now. They also say that they don’t see a very high probability of the 2 of us working it out. I guess whenever he was in the room I’d kind of just shut down. I recently renewed the lease here, so it will be July, 2024 at the very soonest if I am going to join him there, or anywhere else – he has already said he refuses to live in or even come to Muncie again. That he refuses to “hide his real self” for the comfort of “all the prudes” around here.? 


12a-12:20a – Having fallen asleep to the most recent Hannah Gadsby special, I pull up R off the couch, and get her to bed. I do the same myself, and turn on my “Get Sleepy” night-time podcast, to be lulled to sleep. It works uncannily well! I never remember anything about what the night’s story is. I don’t think I even made it through the intro.? 


6:59a – It’s so weird, I seem to wake up at 6:59am on the dot every day, without an alarm. I wake up enough to get up, charge my laptop to start typing this, and open a couple of windows to let the nice weather in. In the bathroom, R’s cat greets me. I wonder if she is out of food or something. Or refuses to eat in her bowl, since the ants have arrived there. I remind myself to get some ant traps today.? 


7:33a – TIme to get cleaned up for work. This was only a 3-day work week, since I took Monday and Tuesday off as part of a long-weekend road trip I took with Bestie. Since I was out, I left a bunch of work that needs to be finished by the end of today. But that’ll be ok, I am preparing to lock myself into my office and hitting it hard once I get there. Thought – Maybe this [councilman] trainwreck proves Hubby right about this place being terrible…who elects a sentient abscess like him to public office? I get ready to leave, including trying on a new shirt that is very loud. We’ll see how it goes as a work shirt.? 


8:09a – The drive in to work. 14-20 minutes. Portishead, etc. Maybe this town IS garbage and causes depression? Is Hubby on to something? Am I naive for not being depressed from it? I can’t tell. I guess that means I have another thing to bring up when my therapy sessions start on the 30th. This coffee drive-thru line is very long. Typing on this Google doc in my car isn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe I need to leave work a little early to get the place tidied up for the folks tonight – it is our weekly Friday-Night D and D game. I get myself and R a morning beverage. I drive the rest of the way to work thinking about the 3 very high-ranking people in the company that, word on the street has it, will be retiring in 2024. It makes me hopeful that I will end up in a new, higher position. It’s exciting. And those 3 leaving will be a long-due improvement for my company. I get to work… 


8:34a – …put her drink in “Mr. Snacky”, her office’s mini fridge, and I go to my office to hit emails and all the things I need to do during my free time (before a 1pm commitment here in the building). I lock myself in my office and by… 


11:19am – …I am done! Although it didn’t help that my new keyboard started typing rabid 7s into things nonstop, causing me to have to hard reboot, losing about a half-hour of work. But anyway, I’m done! With time for lunch before my 1pm even! I reward myself for meeting the deadline with around 10 minutes of Instagram videos. Then R comes down to coordinate lunch.? 


12p – We leave together and go to Walgreens so she can get some sunscreen. She needs it for doing an outreach coming up this weekend. I mention that I’d love to get out of doors this weekend and move around some. She is open to going to a park trail or whatever. She offered to give my bike a tune-up too! She is the nicest. I was in the mood for Dumpling House, and she agreed. We talk and have a nice lunch. The jury is still out on this shirt – I think it might be better with shorts, which can’t happen at work.? 


12:55p – Back in my office, getting ready for my 3-hour shift doing the public-facing part of my job. Trying to talk myself into staying at work longer than 4pm, when I get done with my shift, but I can tell I’m losing that battle.? 


1p – I am at my post, working on small things for next week while I attend the public desk – making the June schedule, scheduling bi-monthly 1-on-1 meetings with staff, and doing various committee work. By 2:45 I am all done with that, and pretty much just waiting for 4 to get here. I look up places to go on a little hike this weekend. Maybe Mounds SP? I am really looking forward to getting my bike up and running again. I wonder to myself if I concern myself with minutiae, like finding a hiking trail, as a way to not think about my separation. But then again, if I constantly think about it, I get bogged down in it and dwell on how bad things were. It’s ok to occupy yourself with other things, and get on with being yourself for a change, right? Friends have gone out of their way to check on me, and offer to do things socially. That’s very nice of them, and I appreciate it. There is a small group of kids running around the building here. A coworker is looking over at me, wondering to herself what I am typing. I couldn’t even relocate to him now, even if I were 100% sure I wanted to; I don’t have enough saved up for that. He has me blocked from all of his social media, so that, as he put it, I wouldn’t be bothered by whatever he posts. and last night I asked R to let me use her accounts to pursue his activity. Turns out, based on what he posts, he doesn’t appear to be missing me that much. Maybe that’s to be expected? As he was moving out, we did say that this whole thing will take some time, to give it a year at least. I changed my credit card number yesterday, so the one he has now won’t work for him. He asks for money to do small car repairs he needs, or for food, and I obliged him because I know it’s hard to get your feet under you in a new city. But it’s clear from his Twitter feed that he has enough of his own money for leather harnesses and whatever else he might need at the clubs on weekends. I try not to let that make me give up on him immediately. We need time to talk about it, and he is going to have to tell me to my face if he is done. That will happen later – we talked once in the past week or so. We discussed eventually trying a weekend together. That probably won’t happen until fall though. THis really isn’t supposed to sound like I am placing 100% of the blame on him; I am completely willing to go to therapy and work through whatever role I had in all of this. I think about all of this as I finish up my shift.? 


4:30p – So, I didn’t make it to 5, but I stayed longer than the end of my 4pm shift. I helped a coworker do a couple of things, and by 4:30, it was time to go. R was done too, so we left out from the building at the same time. She does this thing where she mentally chooses to “race someone” in traffic, and about halfway home, I realize she has chosen to race me home. I pull in right behind her, but I got out of the car quicker, and arrive at the front door first, so I choose to believe that I won. Time to go in, and get the place a little cleaned up. I am really looking forward to the game tonight – it is in a sensitive spot in the story, and it could go any of a number of ways. I take out the trash, clean off the table, and R loads the dishwasher. Just in time for… 


5:15p – The first couple of folks arrive, and everyone is in good spirits. We catch each other up on our days, and we sort out our individual dinner plans. R and I have leftovers (I surprised myself 2 days ago with an unexpectedly-decent beef stew), while others put together a group Doordash order. The last couple of folks show up and by 


6:30p – we are playing Dungeons and Dragons. We are working through a story we have been telling together since September. We are right around the end of the 2nd act, and naturally that means it’s an emotional low point. Drama is high; people are dying. We play until around 10:30, leaving the action at a nice cliffhanger for next week. The players are concerned for their characters’ welfare and I love that – that we can create something like that together.? 

10:45p – Everyone leaves for the night, and R and I just hang out for a bit. I always kind of crash right after running a D&D game – it’s so much fun but it takes a lot of energy, running it all for 4 hours at a time. I have a 3-day weekend coming up, and looking at it, I’ve got a lot to do. So I took the opportunity for a bit of an early night, and went with the tiredness that was setting in. By 11:15, I am in bed, and I recall passing out pretty quickly.