EDLM Pandemic (Directive 3)
Most of my reflections about experiencing time amid the pandemic dwell on whether we are, or I am, at an inflection point in terms of daily schedule/rhythm. Am I shifting back to something resembling what was normal or not? Too make sense of that, I need to rehearse my pandemic experience a little bit. So let me begin with a bit of a chronology of my pandemic life, thinking through how I’ve experienced time over the course of the pandemic. I’ll divide it into phases.
Phase I (March-early April 2020): When the pandemic hit two things happened: 1) Our two adult children came home and we all got Covid. M, the younger, had been abroad and came back with a mild cough. Soon her college shut down the campus. B. picked her up, then picked up S, our suddenly unemployed older daughter, from New York and came home. Two days later B. was coughing. Three days after that I was feeling ill and so was S. We never got tested but later, B, S, and me all tested positive for Covid antibodies. During the period when we were all feeling poorly, which lasted about ten days, time was the source of worry. Early indications told us that Covid either intensified or lifted after a week or so of mild illness. The experience was a bit like a doomsday countdown, one that would end either in a bang or whimper. Lucky for us, it mostly was a whimper, though B. took a few more weeks to recover her stamina. When we got into the second week, I was almost literally ticking off the days until I was in the clear (supposedly two weeks from first symptoms). This was an unnerving phase where I rarely looked ahead except to anxiously think about the all-clear point. I just tried to kill time and distract myself.
Phase II (April-July, 2020): This was a weird time when unease gradually lifted, but it was difficult to think far ahead. I kept expecting the pandemic to wind down, but it didn’t. At the same time, I felt increasingly protected as I learned more about the likelihood of immunity after infection. Home life was complicated, often tense, with four adults sharing living space unexpectedly. Small routines became sources of friction—getting into the kitchen to make lunch when I wanted, running a load of wash, watching television when I wanted to. The office was closed so I worked at home, in a room above the garage. I tried to put my head down and work through much of this period, at least partly just to stay out of the domestic fray. Work wasn’t high-pressure because the two things I was working toward—a conference and a workshop—were postponed. I normally don’t binge watch television series because I’m loathe to commit to eight or ten or twelve episodes, but I did watch a bunch of series through these months. I was more drawn to escapist entertainment as a tool for passing time (and escaping monotony) than usual. Generally, summer includes some travel, the source of satisfying anticipation. Not this year. I didn’t plan any travel or big events—although I did end up traveling east to drop off S and visit family. A planned trip to China for work was scrapped, naturally. Time was still something to kill.
Phase III (August-November, 2020): A relatively normal rhythm to life returned. M. and S. moved out, back to work and school. I was able to go to the office frequently since I had a solo space. I’d be in bed by midnight and up around 7, usually without an alarm going off. I’d get to work around 9 and wrap up around 6. I started planning ahead a little in terms of work, preparing the postponed (virtual) workshop and some other projects. But even that was complicated by some uncertainty about the scope of my job, partly induced by pandemic-driven budget troubles. I held off on a few things I might otherwise have planned to do. On a daily basis, I was busy but not to the point of stressing over time all that much. Pre-pandemic, I’d occasionally meet a friend or two for a drink, which usually meant the day wrapped up around 5. That social-time pressure wasn’t there so I’d work as late as necessary. Summer and fall also allowed for outdoor activity, usually after work and on weekends weather (and light) permitting. I tended to ride an exercise bike after work, often until after 7, as we got in the habit of eating fairly late, usually 8-ish. Then some reading or TV for what was left of the night.
Phase IV (December-February): A slow, bleak winter. Worked from home more. The weather got in the way of many activities with friends, save for a few cold walks. We did plan ahead for Christmas activities, but the holidays were subdued. M. and S. came home but we had a family-only Christmas. I drove S. back to NYC just before New Year’s—out and back in less than 48 hours. The city was eerily quiet (with stunningly little traffic). The trip was rushed as I tried to avoid any exposure. It was emblematic of the whole winter: I had a heads-down (except while driving), let’s-just-get-through-this mentality. I didn’t really think ahead much, except where necessary for work. I read recently about the experience of “languishing” during the pandemic, having a sense of aimless drift, without much anticipation or optimism. My experience over this time was probably a mild version of that emotional state. One could say I was absorbed in the present moment, but not in an especially productive way. It was just about getting through it. I had to work after the New Year so I couldn’t float way entirely, but the winter felt like something to endure. (Indiana’s dreary winters always feel that way to some extent, but that feeling seemed especially pronounced this year.)
The End? (February to April, 2021): I got vaccinated, a first shot in late February and the second shot in late March. Just now I am considered fully vaccinated. So, am I at a turning point, separating a time of vulnerability and a newfound freedom? But the freedom part isn’t clear (nor, frankly, was the vulnerability, given my previous exposure).? Should I continue to restrict my behavior? Is it over for me but not others, and can the vaccine mark a change if it only affects me but not others, for now at least?? It reminds me of how our own sense of where we are in terms of time is partly (but only partly) contingent on what others are experiencing. I am getting excited and optimistic but feel out of sync at this moment of flux.
A Few Notes on the Moment:
Over the weekend, I found myself reorganizing my schedule to fit what others were doing.? I was home alone for the weekend, with B away to visit S.? My intention was to get things done, both for work and at home.? On both days I ended up abandoning that plan partway through the day to match the social plans of others.? On Saturday it was an impromptu beer with neighbors in their driveway.? On Sunday it was an invitation to walk with friends.? I’m now in the habit of prioritizing social activities since they’ve been limited amid the pandemic.? Will that change now, leaving me more willing to say no to some socializing to prioritize work? I’m not sure. Maybe that’s a new habit that will (should?) stick.
The reason I aimed to work all weekend is because work is suddenly busy.?My work situation remains unsettled in some respects, but the road ahead seems a little clearer. That means I haven’t really had the time or attention span to think much ahead, either in terms of work or leisure.? B. and I hope to do a short hiking trip in May, which I said I’d research and plan. But I don’t have that much time to think ahead just now.? I’m too occupied with work. ?This marks the return of an old, mild tension in my life, between concentrating on the immediate demands of work and planning family and social activities. That’s good, I think.