EDLM for April ‘21
Time is such a mysterious thing. Time can seem to drag on and on without end. Then there’s a time that has “flown by so fast” we wonder where it all went. My time during the COVID pandemic has seemed like both were simultaneously in motion.
A retired, white, male, 70ish, widower may look at time different than those younger than he. This is a man with grown children who live at a distance with children of their own, a man who has sensed the loss of his own community, and a man grieving the death of his husband who died during the pandemic. I am that man.
During caregiving days and days of illness, there seemed not to be enough time. Too many schedules to keep. There were doctor visits, CT scans, blood work schedules, medicine schedules, eating schedules, bowel movement schedules, bath aide schedules, nursing visit schedules, Chaplain visit schedules, friends and family visiting schedules, sleeping schedules, pain patch schedules….
Time was rushing by and I wanted it to stop. Despite the above complexities, time was getting far too short for living, being together, holding. listening, talking. We both were aware the engine of the proverbial train bearing down on us was much too fast and much too powerful to stop.
And then it did.
Time, I mean. It seemed that everything stopped. Living. Meaning. Life.
There followed a period where there existed a world within a world. The outer world roared by with decisions to be made, family members staying and leaving, grandkids out of school and homework to be done, visiting hours to attend and cremation to witness. An inner world of lostness, grief, darkness, over-whelmedness, stillness, bleakness, unbelief and coldness. Two worlds in one. Each alive and out of orbit. Slung into space. Not knowing where it’s going or where it will eventually find itself, if indeed it does find itself.
A year has passed and time is still with me. Sometimes I don’t want the time. Sometimes time is filled with barn maintenance, hauling 10 pick-up loads of mulch, painting trim on the house along with the white picket fence, going through belongings, planning for a memorial service yet to be accomplished. These fillers have helped with time, but they also seem unapproachable and unknowable.
Time can seem like an enemy.
Time can seem like a dream.
Time can appear hopeless.
Time can feel overwhelming.
Time is what we have dealt with all our years of living. Time is an inevitable curse or blessing. It can symbolize hope and hopelessness.