EDLM—April 2021
Time. I think about time a lot, all the time? Certainly, a lot of the time. A retreat in high school where they rounded up our watches (probably Swatches at the time) sticks with me as incredibly freeing… but also a bit manipulative.
April 1
3 years since my niece was born. It snowed today, but not as much as 3 years ago, I remember. Our niece, named for flowers, was born on a snowy Easter Sunday. I missed all of her second year. Two-year olds are bad at Zoom.
About an hour spent replying to a sensitive email.
April 2
Ending one meeting just in time for another, just in time for my regular phone call with my parents. Just in time… with Zoom there is no travel in-between, one meeting flows into the next.
A week ago (and a day?), the weather was finally good enough to hang out with our close friends in their yard. We were glad to see them after so long and be together. Today, we go back to comfort only one of them as the other ended their relationship. What a difference a week makes.
April 3
The one weekend meeting I have every year. Last year it was March 14th, the last thing I did in person at work. This week I finish reading the files one minute before the Zoom begins and have my camera muted at first as I put the laundry in the dryer. Thankfully, by going 15 minutes over we finish the meeting today and don’t have to come back tomorrow. A couple hours restored.
April 4
This weekend is spent caring for our friend—a painful and powerful time. It evokes the distant past, and an always uncertain future.
To check my schedule for the coming week means opening email, in which there is a reply to the sensitive email that weighs on me and repeats for hours in my thoughts.
We walk along the river for I don’t know how long. Time stretches.
April 5
In the last two weeks, I seem to have gone from content to burnt out. Dragging, I don’t want to move or do. A timer helps me revise today, 25 minutes on, 5 minutes off. But my heart is heavy. We make sure our friend eats food.
April 6
An 8:00 am meeting, awkward as fuck. But done with this meeting for the year. So very, very done.
A colleague tells me she is leaving after only 1 year. Seems this is the week for bad news.
No writing time today.
April 7
Tomorrow is shot #2, Moderna. My anxiety is going and the day is racing. I’m worried about the side effects and what I’ll miss. Am I prepared? We are planning a Zoom baby shower for our friend for Saturday, and I ignore one friend for another, finishing my preparations, then feel badly for doing so. Irritability slips in as the week slips by.
April 8
A 15-minute timer counting down at the vaccine clinic. They give them to everyone after their shot to make sure they are okay to leave. A breath, held in far too long, released as it goes off. Done! So, very done!
12 hours until side effects. A long night of waking: feverish, sweating, and parched.