Today’s a little different. It’s S.’s last full day on earth. S. is the family dog, a beloved part of our household. She’s become increasingly difficult to care for as her health has declined, demanding near-constant attention and assistance. She has difficulty walking because of paralysis in her legs, which also leaves her unable to control her bowels. Enough said. Still, she remains an indispensable presence. One that ends tomorrow. She’s (at least) sixteen years old and has been part of the family for 14 years, from the time our children were little. We’ve decided to put S. down tomorrow before I leave town. I want to be there when it happens, to make sure she’s calm and comfortable. It’s very sad, but necessary. She’s not doing very well and she’s not going to get any better. Her need for care has come to dominate our lives, and today is the last full day of that experience for us.
Awoke 6:30, which is pretty good. Slept well, something not guaranteed these days, mainly because I’m often up in the middle of the night tending to S. This time, I didn’t come to until I heard B. in shower. I lay in bed contemplating the full and complicated day ahead. Thoughts about the dog are insistent. I am heading off on a trip late tomorrow so I have a lot of things to get done, at work and at home. But I want give S. plenty of attention today and tomorrow morning, along with some good food. Her looming end dominates my thoughts and leaves me more than a little distracted.
Sat with tea and then read for a while—newspaper, Twitter, etc., and watched the morning news, S. resting at my feet. The news is really more background noise, mostly the latest political goings on, none of them good. There seems to be a low-level but building sense of alarm about the state of the country. It should be building faster. Had a quick bite, some toasted bread and jam. A carb-ish breakfast, but tasted good.
Today is also move-out day from college for one of our kids, who has arranged to store her stuff with a friend, before heading off for the weekend to stay near the beach. I’ll meet her on Sunday in Massachusetts to retrieve her and her stuff. She’s usually disorganized so B. and I spend some time discussing her plans and worrying about them. Not looking forward to the drive, but looking forward to seeing her.
Around 8 I pour another cup of tea and sit down at dining room table to work on a bunch of things. The dog is at my feet. Since I have travel coming up, there’s a ton to get done. I have to get organized so that work runs smoothly while I’m away (for a week and a half). I’m supervising 5 student summer workers so I need to have everything running properly. There are budget issues to deal with as well—I need to be sure I’m under budget as the fiscal year ends, but not too far under or I will risk a cut to next year’s budget (idiotic logic, but that’s how it works). I also have a presentation I will be giving when I get back so I gather the necessary material for that and some other research. During the trip I have to deal with some house repair issues on a piece of property that I’ve inherited (along with my siblings), so I need to finalize meetings with contractors, etc. as well. I’ve also got to figure out packing, lawn care, car preparation. I am also supervising a student’s summer independent study so I have to write up the plan for that. Too much to fit into a short period of time, leaving me feeling a bit unmoored amid chaos. Plus I have to stop and write this damn diary—but I’m using it to organize my work plan for the day, so that’s a win.
Around 8:30 I got an email asking for a report for the higher-ups on one of the units I oversee. One more thing added to the list—I work at a university with reporting mania.
Worked on various things till about 11:45. Productive, but many different things, so not a feeling of great accomplishment. Still, good to knock things off of a list. It’s a beautiful day so I want to get outside. S. has been lying beside me. She doesn’t have much energy and except for wanting to eat, she alternates between lethargy and agitation. No way to live. Still, it’s an agonizing decision and I constantly debate whether it’s worth extending things at least a few weeks. I’ll hang out with the dog for a bit now.
We sat outside for a few minutes and then I took the dog for a short walk around noon. Very short, because she struggles and runs out of gas after 50 yards or so and we head back down the street. She still likes to sniff around, but not for long. It’s such as contrast with her younger self, when she would nearly pull your arm out of its socket when she was on a leash, and the comparison runs through my mind on a loop. I feel little spasms of envy when I see people walking younger dogs.
Showered quickly and headed into work to grab a quick lunch and meet with colleagues to discuss the latest report-writing assignment. Annoyed about the report because it’s the same information they’ve gotten in at least three other reports, only in a slightly different format. We spent more time complaining than being productive. Venting can be satisfying, though.
Dashed to a 1:30 meeting with another colleague. Happily, we are in a position to help her out and advance her work. We set things in motion to get this problem solved. This was the best kind of meeting, short and with results.
Headed up to my office and consulted with a couple of the students working for me over the summer. Their work seems to be running smoothly, so no headaches, no worries there. Sent off a few work emails, then I am going to get back to the dog for a while (and I will catch up this diary).
At 3, I headed out. I decide to stop at the gym for an abbreviated workout. I wouldn’t do this given the dog’s situation, but I’m going to spend much of the next two days in a car so I figure I need to do something today. I do about 20 minutes of hard cardio and stretch. This seems a little wrong under the circumstances, but hopefully I will feel better in the car tomorrow afternoon and evening as a result.
Hit the grocery store on the way home for steak and bacon. S. is going to enjoy her final meals. Hustle home and quickly put the meat on the grill. I’ll save the bacon for breakfast. S. is hungry so I also give her some chicken to tide her over until the beef is ready. Grill the meat, set aside a bit for myself (we’re sharing this one), cut it up, and give her a generous portion. We also give her some ice cream. She eats it ravenously—maybe too fast and I worry about an upset stomach. But she settles down and seems fine. I take her out back for a few minutes to see if she is okay. Then we go in and hurriedly I eat my piece along with salad and bread.
I can’t hang out too long because I have a work event tonight. I head over to the public library, where my colleague and I will do a short public presentation and lead a discussion. Set up is easy, once the room is free and everything goes smoothly. My colleague is a bit late but we get started on time and get a good response from the audience. I enjoy myself, in large part because my colleague did most of the talking (and had done most of the preparation, so it only makes sense). I feel a little bad about that but it doesn’t seem to be a big deal for him. I just interject in a few places. That’s perfect given the day I’m having. We wrap up by about 9 and I head home.
This is the worst part of the day. I have to call my two daughters, both in college, and tell them about S. An emotional conversation, with a few tears on both ends. They understand but are naturally upset about it. We agree that both will visit with her via FaceTime in the morning. The conversation only makes the coming event more real, more immediate.
I drink a beer. Not my normal late-evening habit, but it seems the thing to do tonight. I lay down on the floor and pet S, watching but not really tracking TV. Throughout her life the one things she craves is human company, so I give her what I can. I also give her a few dog biscuits, since she craves those too. My wife says goodnight to the dog, sadly. We walk out in the yard around 11 so she can relieve herself and come back in. I decide to hang out on the couch with her on the ground next to me (she’s too big for the couch). I drift off to sleep. [I awake after midnight; S. is sound asleep, so I head upstairs to bed. Tomorrow will be terrible.]