Monday, September 17, 2018
A04
8:50AM Roll over and wake up to a text that makes me smile but also feel uneasy. Hoping those I love are well. I meant to wake up earlier to start work, but my body is exhausted. I got back into DC from NYC the previous night and walked upwards of 20 miles in three days. My body needs sleep more than anything. I’m anxious to stand up, knowing my feet are going to hurt as soon as I stand on them. I can see the blisters. I start tidying my room, unpacking my backpack and moving things from my desk to my bed. I need to shower, but I don’t feel like it yet. Downstairs to make coffee in my French press. Toast some naan and spread peanut butter and dark chocolate almond butter on it. I’m out of all other breakfast foods. Need to go to the grocery and pick up prescriptions. Later. A text from an old friend makes me smile. I forget to respond. Chat with friend coming to visit this weekend. How will I get all this done.
10:00AM Time passes while I read. I know I should be reading faster, skimming but I’m enjoying the book too much. It’s called Monument Wars by Kirk Savage. I’m feeling glad I walked the mall yesterday or so much of this would not make sense. It’s a very place-oriented book. I periodically get up to get more coffee, open the windows wider, do some dishes. My roommate R comes down every once in awhile. I avoid chatting too much—try to send a message that I am working. I sweep the floors, annoyed at how so much gunk is getting on my socks. The recycling bin is overflowing, but none of it is mine and I already did all of my roommates dishes. It’s raining. I ignore it.
3:00PM It quickly becomes afternoon. I’m frustrated at myself for reading so thoroughly. Not the time for that. What an odd problem to deal with. I also was distracted by my phone. I didn’t notice myself doing it, but the battery is low, so I was on it too much. Post a picture to Instagram from NYC. Eat late lunch, early dinner of pasta. Last serving will be for lunch on campus tomorrow. Text friend happy birthday. Talk to old roommate A about how I’m doing and about the Taylor Swift concert. I forget to answer her last text. Text and snap new friend H periodically. Appreciating her jokes and perspective and finally feeling like I have a friend here.
4:05PM Begrudgingly realize I do have to leave the house today because I need to go to CVS for some prescriptions. I haven’t been to my new pharmacy yet, but it’s in Target and the hours are restricted. I throw on some clothes—still no shower, my hair is disgusting—and grab my rain coat. Scan the Cartwheel coupons to see if I can afford any fun groceries. It’s sprinkling… Florence. I trot outside, raining slightly harder than I thought. Wait forever to cross Wisconsin, as usual. Pick up some hair cutting shears. I cut my own hair last week with bad scissors. It looks fine, but the ends are messy. This should help. Almost buy hair clips to help give volume when it’s wet, but I decide that’s a luxury. I wander over to the pharmacy window. Stand at the WAIT HERE sign. No one acknowledges me, so I cough and make some scuffing noises. The pharmacist runs over. He smiles a lot and asks me a lot of questions. Puts my scripts on automatic refill. “Did you get a flue shot yet?” me: “no.” He asks, “Did you get one last year?” I say “no” again. He looks appalled and practically shoves the paperwork down my throat. He checks—it’s free with my insurance, and I’ll get a $5 target gift card. My mind wanders to the Nutella I hoped to buy… sold. I fill out the sheet and lie, saying I don’t have a cold even though I probably do. I hand the paperwork back and pay the unfortunate amount for my scripts. I forgot to put that in my monthly budget, ugh. I’ll need to run the numbers again, but my hopes for a second job weren’t panning out, and I don’t really have the time for it either. He asks me to have a seat, continues chatting. Probably sees that I’m not comfortable with the needle. He’s very gentle and seems almost too interested. I’m having trouble hearing thought because of my cold. He stabs my upper left arm and then very carefully puts the band aid on. He uses my name again and again and says he’ll see me next time. I scoot away very quickly in the direction of the trash bags and wonder if he’s being nice or hitting on me. Unclear. I meander through the groceries. Decide to buy chocolate in two forms. That will help the late evenings I’ve been doing.
5:00PM As usual, the target express is lacking many key groceries. I scan the clothes and then remind myself I can’t buy any, so I pay (less than expected and I use the coupon) and prepare to go up to Trader Joe’s. It’s absolutely pouring. I jog the couple outdoor steps and take the inside stairs. Spend time pondering the eggs and bread, which is cheapest and what’s the best deal? Then wander down the frozen aisle and others. Indulge in a few items like frozen fish and some feta and yummy looking pasta sauce. Which I then need pasta for.. I pass a man handing out what I think are samples. “are these samples” I ask, hungry. “yeah, you can have two if you chat with me.” I’m slightly stunned and also slightly in need of free food so I linger. He’s friendly, again seems too friendly, but he tells me about being a black man in DC. He guesses immediately where I go to school but doesn’t listen well when I’m telling him about my studies. Tries to tell me I should teach and help inner-city kids. I nod in agreement, staring at the sandwiches. He jokes with customers he recognizes. He seems like a nice guy but I need to get back to reading, so I try to end the conversation while still learning pieces about DC and his life there. Tells me about being the token DC kid in his college classes and how he bought weed and watched people smoke crack on a popular street his prof claimed was gentrified and clean. I’m learning a lot and wondering about his life. He says he owns two houses. I decide maybe he’s full of shit. Says he just works at TJ’s for the healthcare. Twenty minutes pass and I’m trying to sidle away. He asks my name and shakes and holds onto my hand. I squirm away and say bye. He says he’ll see me next time, and I don’t get my second sandwich piece. I check out. (More than expected. Damn.) Walk outside and it’s raining even harder. I prepare to run home with two full bags of groceries. My rain coat is instantly soaked through while I wait to cross Wisconsin, even longer this time. My groceries get wet and I slide on the bricks outside my apartment.
6:00PM I fall in the door. Roommate C is there. I haven’t seen her in days. I tell her about my run ins with the males at the store and the rain. I lay out my belongings to dry and unpack my groceries. We chat. I’m fairly unengaged. I go upstairs to start reading Soul by Soul. Again, reading too slowly, growing distressed. I was going to do an assignment for this reading but don’t know if I’ll have time. I eat jambalaya C made the other day. Worry about R and his burnout. I discover some mail that had gotten covered up and some that arrived late. A book I’d been waiting on. 24/26 finally in my possession. Wedding invitation to a wedding I really wish I could attend but it’s too expensive to fly. Also see it conflicts with a weekend conference I have to volunteer at, go to, and create an exhibit for. I feel sad. Card from my cousin “I Shit Glamour” it says, but it also has a really encouraging message inside. I cry because I cry every time I get a letter from anyone. R tells me he got my letter today and that he cried too. I start missing him more.
10:00PM I eat half the jar of Nutella. Decide to do the assignment so I won’t suffer later in the semester. I read the critique of my previous one. Not bad. Not great. Trying to tell myself grades don’t matter in grad school as long as I’m reading and writing better and figuring out ways to apply. R stops texting. Must’ve fallen asleep. Try to keep focused to do better on the next one. I finish reading and start writing. Friend in RI, N, is also up late working on a project for school. We commiserate. I check back in around 2:00AM. He’s still up.
2:30AM Time passes in an absolute blur. I finish the assignment but am nervous about if I did it right and making the prose flow. Only academics can get me into this kind of rhythm, and I don’t realize how late it is.. how much time has passed. Now I’m anxious. I needed to wake up early to get to campus for my fellowship. I start doing the math again, as usual. 45 minute commute. Wanted to wake up early and get to campus by 11. When should I wake up if I want 7 hours of sleep. I settle on heading into campus for my hours a little late. I’ll do 5 instead of 6 and maybe I’ll pick up that hour elsewhere. Feeling behind on fellowship work because I ignored the emails all day because I needed to do school work. I’ll worry about them tomorrow. I keep fussing with my still dirty hair. I’ll have to wake up to shower tomorrow.
3:05AM Sleep, stomach aching from the overindulgence in Nutella. Did I eat? Did I drink enough water? Feeling unsettled and anxious for tomorrow, my left arm aching from the shot. My room is too hot. I sleep.