January 3, 2021
1045-12 (mst)
It’s a weird time for me to write this diary entry, and one that requires a little bit of background or you’ll be totally lost!
On Christmas morning my dad called to let me know my grandmother (mom’s mom) was dying. She’d been having some health issues all week, so it wasn’t completely surprising. I didn’t even take time to think about it – I booked a flight for 2pm and packed up, just hoping I’d get there in time to see her before she died. It literally wasn’t until I was halfway through my flight that I took the time to wonder if going was a good idea, given the pandemic and all, but by then it was too late. I did get to see her – to actually be at her bedside when she died, surrounded by family and love, giving us all her last gift: COVID. She had taken a COVID test earlier, because she had pneumonia, and it came back negative, but we’re all fairly certain that was a false negative, but at least 5 of us in that room now have it, actually everyone who has taken a test has it. I’m sure more of us do, but they’re asymptotic and won’t take a test (or quarantine). So, now I’m at my parent’s house, sleeping in the bed where my grandmother died of COVID 1 week ago, 1900 miles from home and no way to get back until I’m better, too sick to work but not so sick that I’m sleeping constantly, so I’m literally just sitting here … I mean, there’s only so much Vampire Diaries a girl can watch in one sitting!
The other thing to know is that my dad’s mom is also living with my parents – it’s a new development, she came here about a month ago now. The reason she’s here is definitely some family drama involving my cousin who is addicted to opioids and who has been robbing her blind (it’s been a crazy stressful time for my parents!). She’s also been in and out of the hospital and ER with some major sciatic nerve pain, though. She’s on medication and my parents are taking good care of her (and she may be going in for surgery at some point soon, but she’s 85 and that comes with its own dangers), but sometimes it’s so bad that she is literally crying in pain. It’s heart wrenching to hear; it makes me want to cry right along with her (but of course I can’t be anywhere near her). So, that’s what I woke up to this morning. After 14 hours asleep in my maternal grandmother’s deathbed, I woke up to my paternal grandmother sobbing in pain.
The bathroom is just across the hall from me – I brushed my teeth and put my hair in a high pony. That’s literally all I did, and it completely wiped me out. I had to lay back down and almost went back to sleep. Even now, an hour later, I’m still mostly laying down and exhausted. That’s the stage I’m at with COVID. It’s just crazy how much this sickness changes, how many things it effects, and how different everyone’s experience is. My symptoms have included:
- Tuesday:
- Horrible headache
- Sore eyeballs
- Tightness in chest
- Body ache and chills
- Wednesday: in the morning we found out that my sister was sick too, which is when it dawned on me that maybe it was something to be more concerned about. By then I also had:
- Tight chest
- A chest cough – it felt a lot like it does when I have bronchitis, a deep, painful, barky cough.
- Chills and body ache
- Nothing. Seriously, Wednesday night I felt like I wasn’t sick at all
- Thursday: I got my COVID test
- Cough had moved out of my lungs mostly
- Sore throat
- Congestion
- Friday:
- Pretty good in the AM, but kinda run down
- Exhaustion in the afternoon
- Congestion
- Saturday and Sunday
- Congestion
- Headache
- Major exhaustion
I’ve never had a fever (my sisters have) and haven’t lost my sense of taste or smell (like my cousins), but this exhaustion is real! My arms got tired from lifting food to my mouth this morning. I had eggs and took about 4 bites. It’s that bad.
I’ve been feeling a lot of mixed emotions – it’s been really hard to know what to do and where to go. I was staying with my brother and his family (6 kiddos!) when I got sick and I didn’t know if I should stay with them and possibly expose them all, or if I should go to my parents, who have definitely been exposed because they were caring for my grandmother, but also possibly expose them and my grandmother? I mean, I’m 1,900 miles from home – I have to go somewhere! Obviously, I ended up at my parent’s place both because they insisted and because I couldn’t imagine being sick with 6 kiddos around and no room to shut them out (I was sleeping in the living room). It doesn’t help that most of my family is very cavalier about COVID. I mean, they still had the funeral yesterday!!!! I’m so upset about that. They clearly are exposed and probably asymptotic, but their perspective is that everyone either is or will be exposed at some point and you can’t stop living your life. I have a very different perspective, so I’m hunkering down in this room and isolating myself as much as possible. I’m frustrated and irritated with them, horrified at how blasé they are being about this, especially as Christians. But I’ve also come to expect that from most Christians, to be honest. As a group, I find them to be pretty disappointing. Not all of them, of course, my very best friend in the world is a wonderful Christian, and I know many Christians who do strive to follow Christ’s lead and example, but as a general group – I’m underwhelmed.
There is SO much Jesus here, too. It’s absolutely everywhere – just from where I’m sitting, I can see:
- Sign on the wall that says “For the Lord is God and his love endures forever, Psalm 100:5 NJV”
- Angel hanging from the lamp
- Daily calendar of bible versus
- Bible and hymnal on the bedside table
- Stack of Christian CDs
- Devotional books on the dresser
Also, my dad is listening to a sermon on the radio, and yesterday my mom was listening to worship music. I mean, I know this about them – my dad is a retired minister – but I haven’t had to just sit and stew in it like this for a really long time. Usually, we’re out doing stuff together and I’m not as privy to their everyday routine. It’s A. LOT. of Jesus. Overwhelming, really.
Despite this major philosophical difference – and clearly major political difference – my parents are amazing people. I’m reminded about that sitting here, too. My dad retired early so that my mom could move back to Idaho to be with her mom before she died (this was about 1.5 years ago). They moved in with grandma and have been her primary caregivers since. She had some early dementia and, despite being relatively healthy, was in and out of the doctors pretty regularly. They went from a really comfortable 3-bedroom house to a small 2-bedroom manufactured home in a retirement community. Then last month they moved my dad’s mom in, so they had to convert the sitting room into a bedroom for her, making their living space even smaller. My dad was working a part-time job just for some extra money, but he had to quit that because caring for both my grandmothers was literally a fulltime job for both of them. None of this was ever a question for them, though. Of course, they were going to do everything they could for my grandmothers, and they consider it a privilege to do so. Because my mom has been preparing for the funeral and spending time with her siblings, most of the caregiving of me and my grandma has fallen to my dad. He wasn’t the caregiver when I was growing up, my mom was, so it’s interesting to see him in this role. He’s good at it. He makes sure I have something to eat (when I eat, which isn’t a lot right now), he’s always bringing me something to drink, extra blankets, opening/closing my window, absolutely anything I need. He also just sticks his head in here regularly to see how I’m doing and if I need anything. He does the same for grandma and helps her go to the bathroom and gives her her medication (and keeps track of all of it, which isn’t a small job right now). As frustrated as I can get with them over politics and philosophy and things like COVID or BLM, they are good people who love their family.
3:45 (mst)
I’ve been watching TV and coloring all day. Boring. I wish my brain wasn’t so foggy and I could at least get some work done. About 30 minutes ago I heard my brother-in-law; he’s a doctor, and given the COVID going around, I knew it wasn’t good to hear him here. Apparently, my grandmother is really confused, and her oxygen levels are super low. My dad just took her to ER. My BIL in pretty sure she has COVID. She had a very short-lived fever and cough on Tuesday, the same day that my sister and I started showing symptoms, but both of them cleared up quickly, and it didn’t seem like she had anything else until today. She has a bit of a fever again, though, even though her skin is cold. She could have had a fever this whole time, but because her skin wasn’t warm no one noticed. I’m trying really hard to keep my panic and dread down. She’s 85, so if she does have COVID, it’s not a great outlook for her.
What am I feeling? I’m feeling scared and depressed. I didn’t come here to say goodbye to both of my grandmothers. I’m feeling guilty – even though I’m pretty sure I’m not the one who brought COVID to everyone (from flying), there’s always that possibility and we’ll never actually know for sure. I’m mad that my family isn’t taking COVID seriously. I’m embarrassed that my family has become a mini-super-spreader squad. I’m desperately homesick. I’m bored. I’m sick of being sick. I really need a shower.
5 (mst)
Dad called. Grandma is really dehydrated, has a UTI, and the doctors are pretty sure she has COVID. I could hear grandma crying in the background as they were trying to stick an IV in. She’s so dehydrated that they’re having a hard time getting it in. Dad had to stop talking to us and to help her breath through it all. Fuck.
5:45 (mst)
Positive. Fuck.
6-8 (mst)
Mom and I watched some episodes of The Crown – trying to keep our minds off of the hospital. I’m trying to stay as far away from them as possible, but they don’t seem to care. Their perspective is that they’re already super exposed, so being near me won’t make it worse. I see their point, and I don’t know how viral load works. If they’ve already been exposed (which they clearly have been), and they don’t have it yet, does that mean that they’re immune (from already having it) or that they’re currently asymptomatic? Or does it mean that the more they’re exposed the more likely it is they’ll catch it eventually? I just don’t know what the right thing is here! That’s the hardest part of this fucking virus. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it was “right” to come see my grandmother before she died. I don’t know if it was the “right” call to stay at my parents place instead of my brothers. We’ve managed all year without a major complication in our family, and now that vaccines are going out, we find ourselves faced with life and death. I feel helpless and hopeless.
9:30 (mst)
Dad is home. He looks exhausted. Poor guy. My parents are totally still in survival mode, with everything the last month has thrown at them, so I don’t think they’re actually feeling or dealing with anything right now. It’ll take a couple of weeks of normal life for them to start to process this all, I think. Apparently, grandma also has pneumonia (which my mom’s mom also had). My dad’s brother was here at the house for about a month (he was staying with grandma and when they moved her to Idaho with them, he came and stayed with them too; he went back to Tennessee the morning my other grandmother died, so I saw him for about 30 minutes that morning), and he’s going to get a COVID test tomorrow because he just lost his sense of taste and smell. Fuck.
10:15 (mst)
To cap off a seriously shitty day, my cousin took issue with me saying that grandma probably died of COVID and is telling me on social media to stop spreading false information. Seriously. I don’t have the energy to deal with her bullshit. I knew there was a reason we weren’t friends on social media. I just can’t deal with her. 38 years of thinking we could be friends and she disappoints me every time. I deleted her comment, removed her as a friend, and I’m going to bed. Goodnight.