EDLM 13 February, 2024
Today was filled with routine and not routine activities. Getting out of bed continues to be a struggle. Shower, dress, lift weights, take care of geese, put wood in the stove, quilt, bring in wood for the night, breakfast, lunch, supper and spend the evening watching BBC mysteries counts as routine.
Out of routine are activities of an internet search, cutting up a fallen tree that has landed on my neighbor’s field from my woods, filling out paperwork for a new program I’ve signed up for connecting me to other vetted and authentic gay men in the country.
So . . . deeper than the obvious, surface and visible activities, I’ve spent time thinking about the directions of my life concerning today, this weekend, the weeks ahead, next year and the knowable and unknowable future. Up-coming events, tentative plans and what needs to be planned run through my mind.
I’m aware that life as I’m living it is not working for me. Something has to change and I know this. My activities and interests are many, but these only get me through time. They are satisfying for the moment, but fall far short of being satisfactory for a life well lived.
I realize I have to be willing to leave most aspects of my life behind and venture into unchartered waters to find some semblance of a new life. It’s been 3 years and 10 months now since my husband died. Up to this point I have tried to hold onto my past, not wanting to let go of those physical reminders tethering me to what was rich, vibrant, safe and consistent loving. I’ve realized in my holding on I may be imprisoning myself to the past. In doing so, I prevent myself from experiencing adventure that could be another chapter of rich living. The sacrifice of letting everything go is so daunting, but it seems necessary to find a future worth living.
I think the willingness to let go of everything is tantamount. In the end, I may not have to lose everything, but it’s in the willingness to do so that creates room for other life to be discovered. Is it scary? Hell, yes! Is it risky? Hell, yes!
So, I’ve decided to drop some of my activities to make way for others. What survives I do not know. What the future holds, I do not know. Will I find meaningful living? I do not know. It seems that I’m on a precipice to nowhere or to somewhere.