EDLM
Feb. 20, 2020
Random thoughts on this day. Too much to take in, too much going on, too much emotional energy to know where to place it. The acknowledgement of death creeping, creeping in – – – too close. Short life expectancy announced a few months ago, but seems more apparent and I don’t want it. I can’t stop it. My head understands. My heart aches and emotions are miles away from my head. Confusion. Lostness. My thoughts random:
Brother and sister-in-law leaving today.
Picking up long time friend and husband’s first lover from airport at 6:50 p.m.
Mornings are hardest. How do I wake up to the truth that my husband is dying. How do I carry it through the day?
Everything’s overwhelming.
What do I do?
What is there to do?
The daily chores of the day have to be done.
I go from one to another being obedient to the tasks.
I’m afraid I’m being swallowed up with the tasks, that I’m missing moments with him.
I don’t want to leave him – be away from him – to go to the airport. I know it will be 4 – 5 hours.
Can I do this alone? Can I live life alone?
The traffic concerns me – it will be rush-hour going down.
Being alone without him scares me.
I don’t know how to do this aloneness – what direction do I take after he dies – is there a direction?
I don’t want to eat when he’s not eating.
I end up snacking on anything that’s available.
I feel guilty thinking of myself when he is the one who is slipping away.
My tears are just under the surface ready to explode at any time.
I must contain them so I can continue to do the tasks of caring for him, of getting through this time.
I don’t want to miss the moments and yet I’m afraid I am.
Am I blind to things I need to be aware of, that I don’t even know right now?
What will I regret after he dies that I’m missing?
I don’t want for this to be happening.
I’m glad our friend and long-time lover is here. It’s good to see them together and reuniting. I hope they will both find richness in this coming together – in this time – these moments.
What in the world do I do about food and preparing it? I don’t consider myself a cook or a good host. I rely on my husband to guide the way. I can’t rely on past dependence now.
I miss him already, so much!! I see him slipping away. I see him getting more jaundiced.
I want to protect him, but I can only do so much. I want to do more and I can’t.
When will I have time to write this all down?