Saturday, December 15th, 2018
Woke up at 6am when the cats’ automatic feeder went off and ate some breakfast – 1 serving of cheez-it crackers, 2 servings of club crackers, 2 caramel rice cakes, and what was left (about 2 tablespoons) of veggie cream cheese. 460 calories. Good. (I told myself I would eat some fruit and veggies later in the day.) Back to bed. I had every intention of getting back up when the robotic vacuum turned on at 8am – to get ready for the women’s Cookie Exchange from church. That didn’t happen. I woke up with what felt like a seizure – must have eaten too much sugar the previous day while preparing for the Cookie Exchange. Kitty 1 of 2 looked concerned. She perched on my shoulder. My vigilante, my protector from the strange bug-like machine going back and forth across the carpet making an awful lot of noise. My head hurt.I texted the ladies I wouldn’t be coming, turned on the fifth or sixth audio book I’d listened to this week, and went back to sleep. Next woke up around 1pm or 2pm – the audiobook had ended, college friend was calling. I’d planned to visit their family over the break. She was starting work on Monday. We’d postpone the visit until after the new year. Relief. Rewinding an hour, I restarted the audio book and fell back to sleep. 3pm: Woke up, rewound the audiobook and planned to heat up some soup while listening. Watching the caloric intake because of my inactivity. I put most of the cookies into baggies to give the ladies at church tomorrow. Not all of the cookies made it. Several cookies later (but also with some soup) I was asleep again. This time I woke up around 5pm.
Fitfully sleeping through night and day, anxiety and depression have been crippling. I’m sure I could best it if I really tried, but with so much time off there’s a lack of motivation. My rest has been laced with guilt. I’d written a winter break to do list. One part avoidance. One part seasonal blues. Two parts isolation of my own making. Christmas isn’t a great time of year always – even when it’s not super dark or super cold. Unspoken expectations can feel crippling, causing deep anxiety. Feeling like no one will notice if one doesn’t show up, deflates motivation, purpose. Each time I woke up- I anxiously checked to see if my muscles had atrophied . My anxiety: “I’ve come so far in losing that extra 20lbs over the course of the last year or so. Will all this sleeping undo that? Am I overindulging? I don’t want to be unhealthy.” Despite these thoughts or maybe someway as a result, I kept fitfully sleeping.
Around 6:30pm, I realized I hadn’t looked at my Bible reading plan since Sunday – decided to catch up.
Listening to Psalms 20-40 – slowly I got up, uncurled my yoga mat and deep stretched. Psalms, James 1-5. I cleaned up the trail of kitty puke left from the robotic vacuum in the morning. I made some tea. I logged my calories for the cookies. Over my caloric budget by 500 – I made some more tea. Checked Facebook.
Stumbled across a new song.
Christ followers from Brazil, USA, UK, Australia, Kenya, Scotland, the Netherlands, the Philippines, South Africa, Chile, Germany, Portugal, Israel, Ecuador, Namibia, Canada, Romania, Mexico, Slovakia, Argentina, Uganda, Singapore, Costa Rica, South Korea, Hong Kong, Venezuela, Guatemala, Estonia, Mauritius, Uruguay, Nigeria, Denmark, Dominican Republic, Columbia, Koror Palau, Peru, Switzerland, Greece, Poland, Czech Republic, Wales – all singing, reminding of the Truth:
I trust You
Father, You lead me so perfectly
You’re always beside me
You never leave
Through every season of life
You’re my provider
I know that
Even when I’m feeling lost at sea
Your mighty hand still reaches out for me
Through every season of life
You’re my provider
You don’t forget Your promises
I’m thankful for the strength You give
Lord I will praise You as long as I live
Teach me to trust Your ways ‘cause
Over and over again
You’ve shown that
Your faithfulness never ends
Over and over again
You remind me that You have a plan for my life
Provider – Rivers and Robots