Last night I went to bed with a heavy heart. I hoped that I would wake up, ready to move forward with the day, but my heart was still heavy after I awoke. Some days I hate that my heart is filled with empathy and love for my fellow man, but most days I’m happy to have that drive in my life. Some days I want to wake up and not worry about others, but most days I’m happy that I care. It’s a curse and blessing to feel what others feel.
But even as I woke with a heavy heart, I noticed my sweet little preschooler curled up next to me in my bed. When did she come in? Not important. Instead of getting up to shower I decided to lay there with her and just enjoy this moment. For that short moment nothing was wrong with the world. It was the perfect start to the day.
The entire ride to daycare was filled with little kid giggles and observations of the little things in life. “Mommy will you please stop and back up?” (I’m driving down Tillotson Ave. at 7:45 a.m., not going to happen.) “There was a sweet little bunny back there and I just have to see it longer.” Oh, my heart.
I decided to stay off social media all day. I need to give my heart a break and this seemed like the perfect day to do so. I filled my day with work projects that made me happy. I had complex carbs for lunch and skipped the veggie. (I’ll double up at dinner.) I listened to the Throwback Thursday playlist on Spotify and relived the year 2000 through music.
Normally our evenings are packed. With three kids there usually isn’t a lot of time to squeeze in quality family time between getting home at 5:45 p.m. and the first kid going to bed at 8 p.m. plus homework, dinner, dinner clean up, baths/showers, and bedtime stories. Tonight we decided that none of that was important. We piled in our big bed with the kids and turned on a movie. My husband made frozen pizza (I didn’t double up on the veggies). During dinner we sat in the living room and watched the season premiere of our favorite TV show. It was a great way to let me heart recharge.
Tomorrow is a new day. I can’t turn off 2020. I can’t turn off the fear of what is going to happen in the coming years after Justice Ginsburg’s death. Who will follow her? Will that person fight for the people whose voices are quieted? Will Congress have more control over my body than I do? Will families be separated at the border after traveling for thousands of miles to escape unimaginable living conditions? Will our Black families ever feel like they are equal? Will we hit 300,000 COVID deaths by the one year anniversary of the first known case in the US? What kind of world will my kids have to navigate?
Only time can answer those questions. In the meantime, I have to manage the heavy heart by taking the time to stop in the middle of Tillotson Ave at 7:45 a.m. to take another look at the bunnies.